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Wulf Moon wrote:StarReacher wrote:250 Word Dialogue Rewrite Assignment
One lingering question I have is my use of questions. I debated changing the prose in the opening sentences to avoid questions, but I like to avoid using a lot of "he felt", "he wondered", etc. types of statements because it seems to yank a reader out of the story. I tend to ask myself a lot of questions in my head, so that is the way that seems natural to me. But maybe I'm just weird that way.
Does it work here, or is there a better strategy I should be employing? Thanks!!
Lucas stared at his patient, baffled by his questionable decision to save her. Had a century of wear and tear affected his logic circuits? Had the trigger of lost memories in his AI software stirred a wisp of lingering human consciousness?
“I'm Lucas, the pilot of this shuttle. Do you remember your name?”
“Where are we going?” Her glance bounced around the small cabin, flitted past the blinking life support machine, and back to him.
“Somewhere safe where you can continue to heal. You've been in a coma for two months.”
“I was trying to kill you.” She pawed at the sheet as though feeling for a gun.
“Yes. Shall I call you Ms. Assassin or do you have a preferred alias?” Lucas had the illogical urge to laugh. The emotion caught him off guard.
“Harper, if it makes a difference.” Her eyes flickered to the bandages. “What have you done?” A look of horror slid up her face.
Lucas gazed at the ceiling to avoid her eyes. “You weren't much to look at. Damaged beyond the skills of most humans. I did the best I could under the circumstances.”
“I don't understand.” Harper's hands explored the synthetic replacements. “You saved me? Were you programmed as a doctor?”
“Yes to the first question. No to the second.”
“So, you didn't see me before the explosion?”
Lucas cocked his head to the side. “You mean while you were aiming a gun at me?”
“You run faster than I expected.”
And we conclude the Ping Pong Dialogue Exercise, Phase 2, with StarReacher's vignette. She asks a question before she begins, so let's answer it. You are correct, StarReacher. Saying "he felt" or "he wondered" or "she questioned" or "she said irritably" is stating the obvious. Good dialogue implies all of this. Bad dialogue explains everything and describes feelings and annoys readers. We can see all these things in the dialogue. We don't need them explained.
As for Q&A Ping Pong, it certainly works, and is the easiest way to do it. However, if you do it for too long, it appears gimmicky, and readers will spot it. So you balance it out with other tricks, like action beats or narrative. You've done some of this in your vignette, which helps balance it out.
I like your premise here, a robot or cyborg saving someone that tried to destroy him. That makes for an intriguing opening, and an odd couple relationship for certain! I would read on, were this the opening of a larger tale. You've hooked me with the question of why Harper tried to kill him, and why Lucas would save her. I also like Lucas being caught off guard by his emotions. Has he become unstable over time? We don't know, but it would be fun to find out. You've got some interesting things to explore here.
Some constructive criticism:
It would be better not to open with this statement: ...baffled by his questionable decision to save her. That's the fun part about reading the dialogue, it gets revealed there! Don't let the air out of the ball before we get the chance to bounce it around for a bit.
When you answer a question with a question, it throws off the exchange. We expect an answer. She doesn't have to answer, of course, but replying with a question that seems a non sequitur throws us out of the tale:
“I'm Lucas, the pilot of this shuttle. Do you remember your name?”
“Where are we going?” Her glance bounced around the small cabin, flitted past the blinking life support machine, and back to him.
There's a few other spots where these small paragraphs and answers given don't seem directly chained to the last. You want it all to connect, you want it all to flow cohesively. I realize Harper is coming out of a coma, that there will be disorientation, but it feels disjointed in places. Like this one:
“Somewhere safe where you can continue to heal. You've been in a coma for two months.”
“I was trying to kill you.”
It seems odd to blurt this out, given the situation. It certainly doesn't follow the preceding statement.
Again, this has good potential for expanding out with a bit more scene setting before the dialogue begins. And your last line pops, always good. Well done!
So that's the end of the exercise! Thank you all for participating. I found it interesting that many of these could make great in medias res openings. In fact, if they lend themselves to do so, why not go to Phase 3 of this exercise, and build a short story from them? You've discovered a way to hit the ground running with active dialogue. Not many stories by aspiring writers open like this--they usually spend pages upon pages setting up their tale before anyone ever speaks! This is another tool that can make your story stand out as unique. And editors, including Dave, are always hunting for unique.
Happy writing!
Beastmaster Moon
