prose story converted to script format

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FictionMuse
Posts: 388
Joined: Thu Jan 12, 2012 8:13 pm

prose story converted to script format

Postby FictionMuse » Mon Dec 26, 2016 1:34 pm

There are big opportunities in television at the moment. Lately my stories have been flash pieces designed to be opening scenes in pilot. I've written plenty of prose, but this is my first crack at a script. Does this script make sense? I'm sure the dialog is easy to understand. But can you follow the action?


SCRIPT

[ Subtitle: Coast of West Africa. Year 2077. ]

[ A hand is seen reaching out and pulling down a master breaker. The lights in the house go out. Two male voices are heard talking about the breaker. A few seconds later, 2 gunshots are heard, then the sound of 2 bodies slumping to the floor. A stern voice calls out. ]

FEMALE COMMANDO: “This building will explode in 5 minutes!”

[ 6 women run downstairs in their nightgowns and house slippers. In the lobby, they discover dead guards and a heavily equipped female commando with a fierce look on her face. ]

FEMALE COMMANDO: “Follow me to safety.” [ Spins around and marches out the front door at a brisk pace, ignoring questions from the women behind her. ]

WOMAN #3: “Who are you?”

WOMAN #2: “What do you want?”

WOMAN #1: [ To the commando, who does not stop and does not respond. ] “Wait!” [ Charges through the lobby chasing after the commando, with the others following. ] [ On the steps. ] “We’ll die if we leave here.”

[ The others stop on the porch to see what response #1 will get from the commando.]

COMMANDO: [ On the edge of the jungle. ] [ Without breaking her stride and without missing a beat. ] “You’ll die if you stay.”

#2: [ Running down the steps. About to pass #1. ] [ To the commando. ] “Hey, stop!”

#1: [ Turning her head toward #2. Putting her hand on #2’s shoulder to stop her. ] [ To #2. ] “No, let me handle this.” [ Turning back toward the commando. Going to the bottom of the steps. ]

WOMAN #6: [ Appearing at the door. ] “I’ve got to go back for something.”

[ The other women don’t pay attention to #6, instead remaining focused on #1. ]

#1: [ Stopping briefly and turning back toward the house. ] [ To #6. ] “No! Come back!” [ Turns back toward the jungle and charges across the grass. ]

COMMANDO: [ Into the edge of the jungle. Again, not turning around and not breaking her stride. ] “You don’t have time to go back. You’ve got to get past the blast radius.”

[ #6 disappears back into the house. ]

#1: [ Turning around again. ] [ To the other women. ] “Come on!”

[ The other women follow. ]

#2: [ Calling out to the commando. ] “Hey! Are you crazy? Who do you think you are destroying our house?”

COMMANDO: [ In the jungle. ] “It’s not your house.”

#2: “I’ve been living in that house for 20 years.”

#1: “I SAID, let me handle this.”

COMMANDO: [ Mumbling to herself. ] “20 years. Seriously.”

#2: “Stop her.”

#1: [ Struggling to keep up because she’s wearing house slippers and the commando is wearing boots. ] “You’ve got to deactivate that bomb.”

COMMANDO: “It’s going to blow. Keep moving.”

#1: “If you’ll just stop and listen to me.”

COMMANDO: “If you’re worried about the explosion chip in your brain, all clones have them and I’ve disabled yours.”

#1: “We don’t need chips. We’re not sex slaves. We’re concubines. And we don’t want to leave.”

COMMANDO: “You’ve got something called Stockholm Syndrome.”

#1: “I have a college education. I know what Stockholm Syndrome is.”

COMMANDO: [ Finally stops and turns around. ] [ Pulls a remote control out of a pocket and hits a button, then puts the remote back in the pocket. ] [ Speaks into her walkie talkie. ] “Black Two, this is Black One.”

COMMANDO TWO: [ Male voice on the walkie talkie. ] “This is Black Two. Go ahead.”

COMMANDO ONE: “Double check the coordinates. We might have the wrong building.”

#1: [ Turning back to the other women. ] “It’s OK everybody. She’s deactivated the bomb.”

#2: [ Catching up with Commando One and #1. ] “Are you here to steal us for another brothel or do you think we want to be rescued?”

COMMANDO ONE: [ To #1. ] “Brothel? Not harem?”

#1: [ To #2. ] “Really poor chose of vocabulary in this particular situation.”

[ The other 3 women catch up. #4 and #5 are still panic stricken. #3 is calm. ]

#3. [ Tiptoeing and speaking over #1 and #2’s shoulders. ] [ To Commando One. ] “Listen to #1. She’ll explain everything. Don’t pay attention to #2. She gets a little hotheaded sometimes.”

#1: [ To #2. ] “I’m still the lead concubine, so let me handle this.”

#2: “Then tell her about the formula. And tell her before she pushes that button again.”

COMMANDO ONE: [ To #1. ] “Formula?”

#1: “Our husband gives us a youth formula. The money from high paying clients pays for the formula.”

COMMANDO ONE: “He’s not your husband and there’s no youth formula.”

COMMANDO TWO: “Black One, affirmative on those coordinates.”

COMMANDO ONE: “Never mind, Black Two.”

#1: “I’m 45 years old. Do I look 45 years old?”

COMMANDO ONE: “You’re a 25 year victim of a very clever con.”

#1: “I can remember every detail of those 45 years.”

COMMANDO ONE: “You’ve got implanted memories.”

#2: [ Angrily. ] “You’ve got an answer for everything!”

COMMANDO ONE: [ Taking the remote out of her pocket. ] I’ve heard enough. And we’re beyond the blast radius. [ Getting ready to push the button. ]

#2: [ Trying to grab the remote. ] “Give me that.”

[ In the blink of an eye, Commando One punches #2’s nose. ]

#2: [ Staggering back. ] “My nose, she broke my nose.”

[ Commando One pushes the button. The house explodes. All the concubines turn toward the explosion. #4 and #5 scream. ]

#2: [ Turning back to Commando One. ] “You psychotic bitch! I’ll kill you!”

[ #2 charges at Commando One and raise a fist. In a split second, Commando One has #2 on the ground, face first, arm pulled back. ]

#1: [ Kneeling in front of #2. ] “I told you to let me handle this. If you had let me handle this, that house would still be standing.” [ To #3, #4, and #5. ] “Gather round.” [ To #2. ] “Get up.”

[ Commando One lets go of #2. #2 gets up. #3, #4, and #5 watch the house burn for a few moments, then join #1. ]

#1: [ To all the concubines. ] “Now everybody just calm down and listen to me. Richard will send a rescue team soon.”

COMMANDO ONE: “I’ve got a hideout nearby with food, water, bedding, and medical supplies. You can get some rest tonight.”

[ All the concubines follow Commando One to the hideout. ]

[ Turning for one last look at the house. ] [ Under her breath. ] “I wonder what happened to #6.” ] [ Commando Bitch and the concubines don’t hear the question. ]

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disgruntledpeony
Posts: 443
Joined: Fri Jul 31, 2015 7:21 pm

Re: prose story converted to script format

Postby disgruntledpeony » Mon Dec 26, 2016 6:49 pm

If you're aiming to write for TV or film, it's important to understand screenplay format. https://www.writersstore.com/how-to-wri ... ptwriting/ That link does a pretty decent job of summarizing the basics.

As far as the sample text goes, I think it might be easier to read with proper character names. Just operating by numbers and titles, it's difficult for me to keep track of who is speaking.
If a person offend you, and you are in doubt as to whether it was intentional or not, do not resort to extreme measures; simply watch your chance and hit him with a brick. ~ Mark Twain
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