Experimenting with Exercises from Wulf's Super Secrets

Specifics about craft, talent, technique, etc.
Don Coyote
Posts: 6
Joined: Mon Nov 09, 2020 9:35 am

Re: Experimenting with Exercises from Wulf's Super Secrets

Postby Don Coyote » Fri Nov 20, 2020 10:18 am

Folks, whatever I post on this forum, feel free to critique. Because I'm getting too old to work on aircraft, I need to sharpen my writing skills (and quick) and can't do that in a vacuum or an echo chamber. I can stab at the keyboard and make words appear on the screen, but beyond that, I don't know what I don't know about this business. I still haven't a clue how to get paid.

I'll take all the help I can get.

Don Coyote
Posts: 6
Joined: Mon Nov 09, 2020 9:35 am

Re: Experimenting with Exercises from Wulf's Super Secrets

Postby Don Coyote » Sun Nov 22, 2020 10:43 pm

If I may be permitted, here's the re-write of my dialogue. Critiques welcome.

Eager, the characters aren't just upset with each other. They hate each other. There's a story why Trolls and Elves hate each other, but that's for another time.


The rookie Warden stormed into the office, slamming the door. “I get it, Lieutenant. I’m an Elf. You're a mud-skinned Troll. We hate each other. But the Commander put me on your squad and we have to work together.”

“I’m only half Troll, Warden. By misfortune, the rest is…Elf. Now, Lieutenants out-rank pointy-eared woodrat Wardens and you are insubordinate. Get out, before I have you locked up.”

“No, sir! Not until I have my say. I know being the only Elf to wear the badge of the Wardens is a far cry from the Quorum allowing my kind a seat. But, if there's going to be a chance for it to happen, I must be allowed to do my job.”

“Cry me a river! This whole thing is a bad idea. Just... be happy polishing brass and fetching tea. The Quorum is too stiff-necked to give in and your precious Throne will never relinquish control of a city founded by Elves.”

“What?!? Listen you- you- the other kinds chafe under Elven rule, especially Humans. If there's an uprising, it’ll be as bad as when you mud-skins turned against us woodrats. Don’t stop me from doing my duty. I’ll go right through you if I must. I know how to deal with Trolls.”

“Right, then. Report to me at dusk in full kit for patrol. Make no mistake- Step out of line again and I’ll have more than your badge. I know how to deal with Elves.”

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Eagerink
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Re: Experimenting with Exercises from Wulf's Super Secrets

Postby Eagerink » Mon Nov 23, 2020 3:21 pm

Don Coyote wrote:If I may be permitted, here's the re-write of my dialogue. Critiques welcome.

Eager, the characters aren't just upset with each other. They hate each other. There's a story why Trolls and Elves hate each other, but that's for another time.


The rookie Warden stormed into the office, slamming the door. “I get it, Lieutenant. I’m an Elf. You're a mud-skinned Troll. We hate each other. But the Commander put me on your squad and we have to work together.”

“I’m only half Troll, Warden. By misfortune, the rest is…Elf. Now, Lieutenants out-rank pointy-eared woodrat Wardens and you are insubordinate. Get out, before I have you locked up.”

“No, sir! Not until I have my say. I know being the only Elf to wear the badge of the Wardens is a far cry from the Quorum allowing my kind a seat. But, if there's going to be a chance for it to happen, I must be allowed to do my job.”

“Cry me a river! This whole thing is a bad idea. Just... be happy polishing brass and fetching tea. The Quorum is too stiff-necked to give in and your precious Throne will never relinquish control of a city founded by Elves.”

“What?!? Listen you- you- the other kinds chafe under Elven rule, especially Humans. If there's an uprising, it’ll be as bad as when you mud-skins turned against us woodrats. Don’t stop me from doing my duty. I’ll go right through you if I must. I know how to deal with Trolls.”

“Right, then. Report to me at dusk in full kit for patrol. Make no mistake- Step out of line again and I’ll have more than your badge. I know how to deal with Elves.”


The end is much clearer now! :)
Aster Glass

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Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great. - Mark Twain

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